(If there’s anyone who works closely with Loki who would be willing to do a confirmation reading, whether for a rate or a reading exchange, please message me at firstname.lastname@example.org).
I haven’t really been posting substantially on my blog – I’ve been in a deep, dark place. Dealing with severe anxiety, hypervigilance, and depression is not easy, and it’s a constant fight when it negatively affects someone with naturally low energy. I am grateful that the Powers in my life understand and are patient with me, especially when I am not patient or understanding with myself. I am often disgusted, disappointed, dissecting of myself to the point where I realize that it borders on pure ridicule. Sometimes I wonder how the gods could possibly want to work with someone like me. On top of all of this, suffering depression makes me doubt myself and my Seering in ways that are absolutely damning – yet, every single time, the gods bring me back to seeing that, yes, my Perceptions are up and working just fine.
And then I’ve been feeling Someone walking around. Just a breath, a sigh, a single sniff of Someone’s scent – no real indication, but I knew that there was a deity hanging about. I consulted the runes under Frigg’s supervision and it turns out that it’s… Loki? It was strange, because one of my best friends had suggested, for absolutely no reason, that it was Loki. Then another friend verified that it was Loki who was around me.
I’m stumped because, well, I haven’t had ANY experiential indication that it was Him. The only reasons why I am even entertaining the truthfulness of His presence are the readings under Frigg’s guidance, my friend’s instant mention of Him, and then the clarification from a friend whose Perception I trust. Yet, it is still not enough.
Something about Him really frightens me. I saw Him with trails of bright scarlet hair and devious, highly intelligent eyes. He’s tall and lanky, irreverent, full of wonderful jokes – a fire of life and laughter. But there’s a darkness I feel that’s bloodthirsty and almost maliciously curved. I feel like I should never trust Him like I do with Cernunnos or Frigg; I feel that, for whatever reason, He is slightly deranged before me. Slightly cracked. He wouldn’t mind watching the world burn. (Not to mention, the dynamic here between Frigg and Angrbodha is actually quite peaceful, but having Frigg AND Angrbodha AND Loki here would be really strange considering Their histories).
I wouldn’t be surprised if Loki wanted to help me with my intense need to have absolutely everything under my control… including a self who is unable to relinquish control – a self who is perfectly tempered for others because, for years under severe abuse, I had to learn how to respond perfectly to demands, to watch cues, to act exactly as I was supposed to, because punishment truly was the end of the world.
I still don’t know if Loki is here. I’m confused, angry, and scared that He is here. Perhaps it’s because of what He’ll mean in my life – and perhaps it’s because of what He doesn’t mean, and I don’t like being toyed with for anyone’s personal enjoyment. I’ve always said that Loki and I would never get along and, yet, He seems to be here. I’ve asked Him to verify His identity in whatever way He desired – the only caveat is that it had to be proven, with the utmost of clarity, that it is Him and can be no one else but Him.
I don’t know what to do – I suppose just to wait and see what happens. If it’s Him, if it’s not Him. If He’s there, if it’s just in my head, or if He’s popped in to fuck with me. Meanwhile I’ve drummed out this poem for the Breaker of Worlds based on a conversation I’ve just had with Him. (I think).
Your wicked smile makes me wary.
For all of my pranks and my mischief,
my humor and my patience,
I stand still before red hair and gleaming eyes
as fear cracks my spine.
Your mouth is full of teeth and You bear them
with a grin that comes straight out of a horror movie:
there is nothing you can offer Me that I do not already have –
and yet I am here.
You are right to be frightened.”