Oh, gods. Where the fuck do I begin?
In April I posted about how I had a very frightening experience with Loki. After reading the comments (of course, which I am very grateful for!) I decided that it was just a blip in the godphone and I went on with my life.
But Loki didn’t leave. My experiences with Him were real and there was a reason why He stepped forward as He did. As of July I have begun writing a devotional for the Breaker of Worlds, under His guidance. He wants to share the terrifying parts of Him, to show the great sadness and fury, to write about His Ironwood family (particularly Angrboda).
I think this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Every night I am taken from where I am and I am shown Things that I struggle to put into words. Every night I see what He desires for me to see and I write it down; sometimes He simply shows me and sometimes it’s full possession. And I try to figure out how language could properly express all of this anger, this rage and this unyielding, suffocating pain – this madness that crushes light and burns through everything. I have to see Him mourning for His kids, have to see Angrboda showing me the great love and devotion that Loki has for His family under all of the destruction He embodies. With bloodied hands They show me the trials and tribulations of the Ironwood family – because, truly, the Breaker of Worlds is so because His intense, unyielding love for His Family. All the while He dictates what word He wants, what image He wants presented, whether this prose needs work or that poem is finished; sometimes I don’t realize what I wrote until I visit it days later, and that’s when the sorrow rips me apart like a starving wolf.
An acquaintance of mine told me that she would pray that Loki would show me the side of Himself that He shows many: that side of Him that gives His devotees that particular smile, that light in Their eyes whenever They talk about Him. I thought Loki would never answer that prayer, but He did – He made me see it by having me see only the suffering and the bone-crushing pain. I am serving the god who mourns so heavily that the Worlds split open and everything burns.
And I was a fool to think I could get out of this unscathed. I was a fool to think I would be the scribe listening to the words of a god, simply compiling a book scroll by scroll until it was ready to publish. Oh, no, no, no. How stupid. For years I worked on burying all of the memories of my past; I made myself forget it because it was the only way I could deal with not experiencing pain. The only way I could close my wounds was to escape them and forget they were there. I burned all of the photos, stifled all of the memories, and I erased all of the blows and abuses I had received; I don’t remember much before I was nineteen actually.
Yet Loki brought me a great chest and set it on the table. He opened it – and it was every single memory. Everything was unscathed, unburned – as if They had been sitting in a museum all this time and He had plucked them out to bring them to me. As if nothing had happened to them. All of my hard work, my forgetting, was completely undone, set as if it had never happened. And, of course, I lost my shit. I am furious. I am angry, and frightened, and I don’t want to deal with all of my issues and pain. Yet… I know that I am ready to fully face my past, my issues, my history of being abused for years and of struggling and fighting.
Then it finally hit me why this devotional will take three years to complete. It’s not because of Him. It’s because of me.
Big changes are happening. Loki is commissioning me for a devotional while He cracks me open, burns me, and finally allows me to continue my life healed and ready for the future. The spirits and entities are asking much more of me, where I have to establish a more strict protocol and take the level of serious in my binding work to the max. I have my Work with the other gods, my Seership Work, and of course my mundane life; this is the second year of my Master’s degree, so I’ll be writing a master’s thesis while preparing for my next degree (either a second Master’s degree in religion or a PhD in American Religion in order to study contemporary religion, specifically the polytheist communities in the US). And all the while, Queen Maeve waits for me to dedicate myself to Her as Her devotee, and She my Matron.
But I gave my word to give my life in service to the gods. The gods are taking me at my word. And I will not fail Them, for They are my greatest joy.