“A couple of months ago, Venus came into my life.” That was how I first started this post, but it’s just a little more complex than that. The Gods do love to surprise and to confound.
Let’s start again.
A couple of months ago, I felt what seemed to be two Presences acting as one. In my attempts to figure out what was going on, with the help of a dear friend and mentor, we both came to the exact same conclusion at different times: that the Goddess Ceres was present and offering to help me in matters of love and relationships. However, She specified that She wanted me to See Her, and to name Her, not as Ceres but as Venus. So, in a very strange way, I am dealing with two Goddesses at the exact same time – or is it that it’s one Goddess carrying the attributes and personality of Two? Either way, it’s the first time I’ve ever had an experience of syncretism with any Holy Being I’ve worked with, and it has been very interesting, to say the least.
Venus is generous – She is warm, playful, and engaging. She’s naturally flirty, sensuous, and for some reason I get the feeling that She treats me like a family member who’s just come into the age of love – kind of like the aunt who very quickly sees that her niece is falling for the boy next door and she’s excited for this stage in her niece’s life.
In a way, that’s what happening. The presence of Venus only further certified powerful feelings I have been having since July, and especially from September: that someone important was going to be stepping into my life. Everyone gave me the same month: November. And when Venus arrived in October (I think) that was when I knew that the date was getting closer and that I had to pay close, close attention. In those weeks She taught me how to love myself, urged me to love not only myself but those around me: to surround myself in the love of others, to invite in the love of others, because I was strong enough now to deal with other people. Queen Maeve taught me how to seal my doors to protect myself, to truly understand and love myself in isolation, to realize my own strength against everything that crashed on me, to power through with the internal strength that I discovered with spit and blood: and then Venus came in, gently, to teach me how to open those doors again – how to invite the generosity and care of others into my life, and how to love myself living in a world with others.
So I received demands from the Gods to go to every single event I was invited to in November – and I did it out of respect for my Gods but also for myself, to challenge my social anxiety (and to get out of my room and meet new people). But as November drew to a close, and all of the parties and events and conferences I went to finished without a conclusion, I thought it was best just not to think about it and to forget about November.
But as November drew to a close, and all of the parties and events and conferences I went to finished without a conclusion, I thought it was best just not to think about it and to forget about November. I had spent so much energy being aware, trying to anticipate the moment, trying to find the face in the crowd that was promised to me repeatedly: but as December approached, I thanked the Gods for Their love and Their attention, and all of the wonderful things that I had enjoyed in my days out and about in November. And for one single moment – one single second – I looked away and I stopped paying attention.
Remember that part where I said the Gods love to drop surprises? They certainly did. Right at the end of November, right when I wasn’t paying attention, I did meet someone – right at the end, out of the blue and from left field. Now, I’m not going to get into details about that, but let’s just say that we’re still seeing each other, and this person has taught me more about love than my ex of four and a half years ever did. (In fact, being with this person, as well as working with Venus, made me realize that the man I had romantically loved for the past four and a half years – the man that I had begged Cernunnos not to rip apart from me, but He did – never loved me back romantically. He loved me, he did, but as a best friend with benefits. Needless to say, that was difficult to process, but when I understood it, my past relationship made complete sense. When I realized that was when I realized why Cernunnos had split us apart and averted disaster, but that’s another story for another time, I supposed).
Gah, okay: back to the story and to the illumination from Venus.
This man that I am seeing is absolutely brilliant, a fine, stable, and very powerful man in all aspects – and yet he is so mysterious, confusing, impossible to pin down. He is unreadable, unseeable, wrapped in shadow and guarded – but behind it somehow I see the fascination, the beauty, the strange glory of this man that keeps drawing me back to him no matter how careful we both are. And one night, coming back from a date, I had strange feelings of both happiness and unhappiness in the car as I was driving back home. We had been seeing each other since November; at first I was stumped by him, but slowly we’re making our way to understanding each other’s language. Slow and steady, even with fears that have come up, even with the uncertainties and the mistakes, we’ve been carefully dancing around each other and with each other. All the while I’ve been too busy to work with Venus other than prayers of thank-yous and a recent beginning with work with Shiva (who is directly connected to this man in a way I won’t reveal) that has been extremely helpful.
The conversation with Venus started because of strange feelings I had on the car ride home, coming back home from another date. I can’t quite describe it other than it was a slight stomach clenching of both happiness and un-happiness. It was something that didn’t make sense for me to feel; the more that I see and am with this man, the more that I like him. The more that I am with him, the more that I am growing to admire him and to enjoy him.
Venus, thank Gods, was sweet and tender with me – even after all of the offerings I had neglected to give Her, even with my life where I should have made more time for Her and remembered Her, She sat down with me and chuckled with a fondness I felt I didn’t deserve. I asked Her for clarification with the tarot, but Her words to me were much more enlightening for me – much more shocking, much more a slap to the face.
You’re feeling this way because you love him. You are learning how to love him and you are loving him.
I looked at Her like if She had suddenly grown ten heads and told me to do ten pushups. What? No, I don’t love this man – we’ve just met, and I definitely do not love him. Love?? Love?! I definitely am beginning to have romantic feelings for him, and I like him, but I don’t love him. The fuck?!
My outraged, confused answer was gently stopped as She began to explain. It’s certainly not verbatim, but I’ll write what I can remember and what I wrote down in my notebook while fixing it to properly get Her message across.
You’re learning to love him, Laura. To learn how to love – that is not simply an issue of romance. Romance is but an element of love, not the culmination of it. Loving is diving deep into someone, seeing who and how they are – taking them in as they are inside of yourself and loving them.
Love is devotion to a person and their traits, both good and questionable. There are different kinds of love, but the fundamental core of love never changes: it is holding someone else in your hands and truly appreciating, truly loving, that person.
So when I said that you loved him, Laura, I said it more broadly. You don’t love him now, that is true – but it is also true that you do love him now, just in a very different way. That is why you feel what you feel: you are beginning to love him, you are loving him, and that is a change from before – back when the two of you met, and you were both bodies and minds that were distinctly apart and unknowable, and the boundaries were so cleanly defined like it is in casual dating.
Change always brings with it a feeling of discomfort, because with it comes suspension – and with suspension comes uncertainty, confusion, blindness, powerlessness, vulnerability. Change is the process of shifting between points, moving between stages. It is the breeze that blows on your skin when you are naked from unclothing yourself and preparing to reclothe yourself in another garment. And for you, my dear, that breeze is uncomfortable – you’re not good with change and with uncertainties, with vulnerabilities as you move from one secure place to another secure place.
Your secure place was that you knew what you were doing when you first met him. There were lines and spaces, a map that was clearly defined. Now your casual dating isn’t so casual now, is it? Now the lines are blurring, aren’t they? Now the place you’re in doesn’t fit the two of you and what you’re growing between yourselves. So now, you have no choice but to step out of your safe space, onto the next point; and you know that it is dangerous, uncomfortable, frightening, because you don’t know whether you’re going for greatness or for disaster.
You’re feeling the shift of something changing between the two of you – and something changing within you – and all of the new things it will bring that you know is coming, but the details of which you will never know until the situations arrive.
“And what is that something else?” I asked Her breathlessly, frozen as I took in Her words. “Where am I going? Where are we going? Somewhere good? Is this relationship going to work out? Is this the Man that Everyone’s been talking about?”
She only chuckled, only smiled – that beautiful, warm smile as She hugged me and remained silent. Of course – to give me the answer would be too easy. I sighed but I was grateful for what She said to me, what She revealed.
I will have to wait, to enjoy myself with this man – to see where I am taking myself and where the Gods guide me. It’s like I’ve always said, the advice that I have to give to myself now: “You can’t change the affairs of the heart – and you can’t control where it goes and what it decides.”
The night didn’t end there; Shiva stepped in and had much, much more to say. But that is for another post: another post where I’ll have to screen out the more private aspects of my conversation, but the things He said to me that night were things that I think should be shared.
Hail the Gods, always and forever!